


shut off your brain, speak your mind

by canismaj0ris



Series: Kanera Week 2020 [6]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: F/M, Ghost Crew as Family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:55:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26448898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canismaj0ris/pseuds/canismaj0ris
Summary: It could be argued that Hera collects strays. Sometimes Kanan makes it worse, but it all started with her.[ the feelings of the eventual Ghost crew around being adopted, making changes to themselves, and finding a second family. each chapter has its own warnings. ]
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Series: Kanera Week 2020 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1903717
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17
Collections: Kanera Week 2020





	shut off your brain, speak your mind

**Author's Note:**

> title from Safe + Sound by Trev Gibb
> 
>  **Warnings for this chapter:** discussion of Kanan’s past, including alcoholism, trauma and nightmares.
> 
> the next chapter is already written, and the others should be done soon enough!

Hera dropped herself into the seat opposite him, arms rattling the table between them. Kanan’s bowl of re-hydrated food mush rattled. 

“Alright, we need to talk.” 

Something in her tone felt like a threat, like something about to tear his world apart. 

He put down his spoon, attempting to look nonchalant and calm about whatever this was. “Go on?” 

Hera’s eyes were sharp. “Are you planning to stay here, or are you going to disappear at some point?” 

Kanan couldn’t help staring back, blinking slowly as he thought about the question. He’d assumed it was just a fact, something he was mulling over but Hera had just accepted. That she wasn’t questioning him and the fact he was staying as much as he was. 

He’d asked himself the same question multiple times in the year they’d been travelling together. Sure, the first few months he’d just gone with the flow, too caught up in the novelty of Hera and the Ghost to think much further. 

And then it stopped being a short term job and turned into something much more important. Once the shift had happened, he started coming to the same conclusion. 

It had been twelve long months of hard labour, twelve months of difficult missions, twelve months of having to steal resources because they had no credits to pay for them. 

Twelve months of attempting to persuade Hera he wasn’t a waste of time, space and resources. 

But it was also almost twelve months of attempted sobriety and reliving the nightmares he’d been hiding from for a decade. 

Nine months of recovery. That’s what it had become. And he was getting there, but he couldn’t have survived it without Hera and her anti-Imperial missions. _Stars_ , she’d given him so much support he wasn’t ready to leave it yet - wasn’t sure if this newer Kanan Jarrus would even survive it. 

Maybe he was just hanging around for the company. After so long alone, it was nice to finally have someone around. 

Then it would become something much greater than Kanan was willing to think about, and he’d cut the thinking short in favour of more distractions. And that turned into another month of just staying with Hera, no real plan and no confirmation of why. 

“That’s… complicated,” he admitted, shrugging his shoulders to push the discomfort back. 

“Well, maybe you should try.” 

“I- it’s- well- _you know_ ,” he pitched, hoping it would hit, but quickly falling silent at the glare he was given. 

Hera looked like she was about to throw her hands in the air, but instead crossed them across her chest. “How am I meant to know anything if you don’t tell me?” He didn’t have an answer to that, so chose to stay quiet instead. Hera sighed. “So, you can’t give me a specific answer. Should I just assume that one morning I’ll wake up, and you’ll have left with no warning and no explanation? Right. Got it.” 

It was the kind of final that would normally be punctuated by someone standing up and leaving the room, but Hera stayed where she was, watching him. Looking for confirmation. 

It took Kanan a moment to get his bearings. Sure, he made jokes about getting up and leaving, going back to his old life of taking a job for maybe a cycle and then moving on to somewhere else - but he hadn’t been serious about them. Not really. 

What was the point when what he did alone and what he did with Hera were almost identical? They found somewhere to camp for a while, did a couple of supply runs, maybe Hera went to go and do some recon for whatever she wanted to know in the area. Kanan would often pick up a job doing some bar work, or some small freighter jobs. They would stay for a few months, max, and then move on their way again. 

He’d assumed Hera knew he was joking. 

“No. No, you shouldn’t expect that.” He shook his head, trying to put his thoughts in order. “I know I haven’t talked about it, and I should have. But I like your company, and I want to stay. And, besides, I owe you. A lot. My freedom, my safety, my sobriety… I owe all that to you.” 

“So you’re staying here because you owe me?” There was a layer of disgust in her voice that bit through all of Kanan’s shields. “Kanan-” 

“Can I finish?” Something tugged on the back of Kanan’s brain, throwing him back to the last time someone had used that line with him and the last time he’d listened. He didn’t want to think about it. “Being here has given me something that I needed, even if I didn’t realise it yet - and I’m not ready to leave yet.” 

Something in Hera relaxed, visibly drooping into her seat. Her lekku twisted as if she understood. It made Kanan ache. 

“I won’t say I’ll never leave - I don’t deal in absolutes - but I’m not planning to leave anytime soon. If I change my mind, I’ll tell you, but right now? I like it here.” He laughed, shaking his head again. “I actually like it here. I like having somewhere I can stay for more than a few months, and I like having someone who knows me for, well, me.” There as a fine line between what he meant and the implication, but much like she never commented on the lightsaber buried deep under his belonging, Kanan hoped Hera would understand. “So I’m not going anywhere. I like the company too much.” 

She watched him with her usual sharpness, calculating things that even Kanan couldn’t reach. Whatever she was looking for, she found something that made her arms fall back to her sides, hands on the table. “Alright then. You can stay.” 

Kanan laughed, throwing his hands in the air. “I didn’t realise I needed your permission.” 

“You’ll always need my permission,” she said with the utmost seriousness. “I’m the Captain, remember?” 

Something in her tone made his stomach twist, but before he could analyse that Hera was speaking again. 

“Speaking of, I have an errand we need to run. It’ll be fairly quick, I hope, but I need to go home for a while.” 

Kanan frowned. “Back to Ryloth?” 

She nodded. “Only for a while. I’ll take the Phantom, you can stay on the ship - no, I’m not letting you argue with that.” Kanan dropped his hands to his lap, letting her finish. “I need to go and pick something up. An astromech. I was hoping he could join our crew.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feel free to kudos/comment if you enjoyed it <3
> 
> You can also find the fic on my tumblr: gaystardust.tumblr.com  
> Or come chat to me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/majorisbooks  
> You can see more Kanera Week content on their tumblr: https://kaneraweek.tumblr.com/


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